Alan Marr - our own anti-TV humorist, reflections on the TV and those who watch it:

 

The TV as a pre-op?

Surprisingly a week ago I found something quite beneficial about the Television and even more astonishing the BBC.

About 3 weeks ago I had to undergo a minor operation in a local hospital, where the staff are most considerate. I had to wait for about 3 hours, so they ensured that I had access to a magnificent Television set to while away the time.  Unfortunately in my rush and half famished state in the morning I had grabbed the wrong book and ended up with a very depressing tome on the Thirty Years War. So I thought I would give way to my normal prohibition and watch the TV.

I have not watched Television for many years so I thought this would be a useful opportunity to see what the programme content was. I was quite astonished by the dreadfulness of it. But the great thing was that I forgot all about my operation. I was absolutely fascinated with the awfulness of the presenters. My attention was completely rapt in what I saw. Nerves, fear of the operation just disappeared as I was literally glued to the screen

First I saw the News, which first you got some odd sounds followed by two inane people, a man and a woman, they both sported some daft grins most of the time with the occasional serious grimace. They were also very conscious of their hand and facial movements. I could not take in the news probably because I was mesmerised by these silly people. Then we had a programme about doing houses up and how much money people could make. This was exceedingly boring, but what made it worse the programme kept jumping around from one house to the next and I got completely lost. The presenter was a strident woman with a voice like a duck, she inflected her voice in a most unpleasant manner with emphasis at the end of each sentence it was an assault on the ears. I wonder if the good lady is married. One can imagine breakfast time with that voice over the cornflakes I do feel sorry for her husband. But perhaps her husband is also a TV presenter and they can compete vocally over the breakfast table as a preparation for their slog on TV. If they have children the breakfast table maybe an excellent training ground for their future career as TV presenters, thus continuing the family tradition of providing unpleasant tones on TV They can all quack together.

Next we had a programme about the good people in society and the bad. In this programme I definitely had more sympathy for the bad. The bad chap was a rather jolly chap who had been fiddling Benefits. He showed a certain pride and entrepreneurial spirit He was a bit of a Falstaffian figure with a large beer belly and I am sure a penchant for the good life. What irritated me most was the presenter’s mock moral indignation somewhat like but not as well done as a Victorian melodrama or as much fun. I am sure at this stage we were all supposed to hiss.  Next we had a saccharin sweet nauseating goody goody presenter with an especially patronising manner interviewing a lady who had the personality of soft toffee. The programme dealt with how she went round visiting the sick and other unfortunate people. I think if she came to visit me in my sick bed my condition would worsen rapidly. This interviewer dragged on with presenter putting that sort of synthetic sympathetic voice on that seems to drone like a vacuum cleaner. Every so often she gave a nodding motion as if she was attempting to give gravitas to it all. It was drenched in “Television sincerity “

Then suddenly I heard the nurse calling, I realised I had forgotten about the operation what a splendid thing TV was on this occasion.

 

 

How do you bring out a real Jekyll and Hyde re-enactment on the BBC Blog? -

Tell them your a Catholic!

If one wants a bit of fun also to have a glimpse of the rather unpleasant side of humanity and have a glance of demonic force, try the following. However you will need a pretty thick skin and a need to be unshockable , I would not recommend this to the faint hearted

This is easier if you live in a city, but try and get acquainted with Media Folk, “progressives” and left leaning people. Television and Radio people would be the top choice. Keep quiet to begin with and look up at them showing a sense of awe, listening rapt to every to bit of their sublime wisdom. It is essential that they think you’re a devotee of their pro-abortion, pro Euthanasia and pro homosexual sex. They will go on and on, this stage is quite painful. You will have to hear the measured monotonic bureaucratic voice, with their catch phrases, sound bytes and jargon. It is best to silently pray if you can during their performance. You will feel a bit physically sick but swallow hard and keep a stiff upper lip. Occasionally you will have to give a wan smile this is difficult.

 Now you perform the “Coup de Gras” you look up and mildly say you are a Christian. Immediately the previous bonhomie disappears into an unpleasant scowl, the mouth curls and the insults begin. But the best has yet to come. You clearly, in a strident tone say that you are a devout Roman Catholic. You will see a real Jekyll and Hyde re-enactment, truly excellent for those studying drama. Their voices will change to a terrifying throaty rasping sound, foam will gather around their mouths and their eyes will express a hatred that will surprise you. It is slightly reminiscent of a Bateman cartoon but not as genteel.

This is the time to make a hasty retreat and go and have a drink or some soothing camomile tea. After that say a few prayers.

If you live in a small town or country, you may not have access to media folk, so there is another exercise one can try. This can also be performed by the less courageous. On the Internet there are numerous sites where you can place comments.

The BBC one is excellent for this exercise. You start to post comments with a pro-Christian, pro Catholic bias.  Very soon there will be an avalanche of hate comments against you; you will be frankly amazed. But do keep it up, because a lot of this hate mail is more destructive to the cause these people are espousing. You have to make every effort to enrage them as much as possible then people who read these comment pages can glimpse the evil that abounds. Most of these people have a fanatic streak, which causes them to go out of control. It is a bit like bull fighting

Anyway in the year of evangelising, we should post the Christian message.

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